Sometimes we get our names for the joke we told, or some characteristic of ours, or some other incident, or randomly. Here's a selection:

Ballstretcher:

Three Chinese Tortures

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

(found for inclusion: http://www.avaruusmies.com/jokes/english/328.html )

 


Big Brass Dong:

Big Brass Gong

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear- shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK!!! IT'S THREE THIRTY IN THE MORNING!!!

(found for inclusion: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80422315/ )

 


Driving Him Nuts and Driving Her Nuts:

Steering Nuts

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.

"Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"

"Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

(found for inclusion: http://www.iamboredr.com/media/18729/Steering_Nuts/)

 


Insatiable Thirst:

Department Store for Husbands

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

(found for inclusion: jokes.noskram.com/tag/husband-department-store/ )

also Insatiable doesn't drink alcohol


Lunchbox:

Three construction workers

Three construction workers (an Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck) were sitting on a steel beam at the top of a skyscraper they were building. It was lunchtime. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and sees that he has spaghetti and meatballs.

"Son of a bitch", he says, "spaghetti and meatballs again. Everyday it's spaghetti and meatballs. I swear if I get spaghetti and meatballs again tomorrow I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this building".

The Mexican worker opens up his lunch box and sees a burrito. "Damnit", he says, "another damn burrito, I'm so tired of burritos, If I have to eat a burrito again tomorrow I'm going to jump off of this building and commit suicide".

The Redneck worker opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. "Shit!!!, another damn bologna sandwich. If I get another bologna sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to commit suicide".

The next day during lunch hour, they are sitting on the same steel beam. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and finds spaghetti and meatballs. Without saying a word he closes the box and throws himself off of the beam and drops twenty floors to his death. The Mexican worker opens his box, finds a burrito, closes the box and jumps to his death. The Redneck worker opens his box and finds a bologna sandwich, closes the box and jumps to his death.

A couple of days later the families of all three workers meet at the cemetery just after the funerals. The Italian worker's wife was crying.

"Oh, if only I had known how he felt about the spaghetti and meatballs, I could have fixed him a muffalotta, and he would still be here today.

The Mexican worker's wife said "I could have fixed my husband a taco or an enchilada, and he would be here with me today".

There was a moment of silence while everybody was waiting for the Redneck worker's wife to comment.

"Don't look at me", she said, "He fixes his own lunch".

(found for inclusion:http://jokesareawesome.com/joke/896/three_construction_workers_an_italian_a... )

 


Paddle Me Quick:

Last Request

Cannibals capture three men.

The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.

Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.

His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man’s turn. He asks for a fork.

The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, “To hell with your canoes!”

(found for inclusion: http://www.wnd.com/2012/04/last-request/ )

 


Piss on Earth:

What do u call a woman in heaven?

An Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven?

A host of Angels.

And all woman in heaven?

PEACE ON EARTH!

(found for inclusion: http://withfriendship.com/jokes/women/peace-on-earth.php )

 


Shithouse Door:

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir."

"Correct, says the manager, now try this one."

"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.

"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

"I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

(found for inclusion:http://www.debonairblog.com/blog/2009/09/joke_blind_man_smelling_pussy_and_ass.html )

If you enjoy hashing, then it is only fair that you take your turn in setting a run or two. Don't worry, it is good fun and it gives you a chance to get your own back. In a nutshell, a hare is responsible for the following:

 

  • Preparing, printing out and distributing directions/map on getting to the ON-ON point the week prior to the run
  • Make arrangements for the aprés-hash eating venue, negotiate prices etc.
  • Setting the course to be followed by the pack
  • During the run - making sure no-one gets lost, stopping traffic, helping maidens over stiles etc. etc. There is one exception to this and this applies to SCB (naming no names Capt. Oats, Lumberjack, Brown Underpants) These guys know every shortcut on the island and will always arrive home well before anyone else.
  • After the run - take care of the food & make sure everyone who wants to, does eat.

Setting the course

There are two types of courses - Those you painstakingly set before hand - a DEAD HARE and those where you set off in front of the pack and then they set off after a decent interval trying to catch up with you - a LIVE HARE. All you really need for a live hare, is a fast hare and this is very rare in Nicosia. So these hints apply only to a dead hare.

In Nicosia, we try to set a course in a square or circular pattern i.e. finishing at the starting point. In order to accommodate the gentler runners, there are normally two trails - a long one 6-10 km and a short one 4-5 Km

You will need the following:

  • 6-10 Kgs of flour
  • Bucket or plastic bags to put the flour in
  • Map
  • Compass
  • GPS

An experienced hasher will need a little over 2 hours to set a typical NH4 trail although others have been known to take 10 hours over it. It helps if you set the run in daylights - however bear in mind that hazards etc. look completely different in the dark.

Make the marks using plenty of flour. Try to place the flour in places which are not likely to be interfered with i.e. avoid kerbs where someone may park their car later on. If it is likely to be windy, step on the flour to compact it. Flour generally stays much longer if it is laid on something solid. Watch out for culverts in cases of flash floods.

Actually laying the flour is something that most hares perfect over time. Some will dip their hand in the bucket and pour it liberally, others throw splurges down as they run, and others daintily shake the bag of flour avoiding flour rashes up the arms... The Capt. Oaks special projects division has come up with a fiendishly clever device, "The Custom Dibber", for making neat little marks without even having to bend down, however this is frowned upon by hash purists, but there again - who cares. Perhaps the best method is one demonstrated by someone now running with the Epi hash (obviously practiced elsewhere as they set marks in paper) which is to use a laundry softener bottle such as Comfort (once the softener has been emptied out and the bottle washed and dried... on the inside... are we getting the drift here?). The relatively wide bottle spout will allow a very nice solid quantity of flour to mark the course - now we need to convert this to a "Custom Dibber Mark III" to avoid the necessity of bending down or of having to refill the bottle. In any case, it is a good idea to 'tramp' down the flour to avoid it being blown away by the wind.

It is generally accepted that flour gets laid on the right i.e. we run against oncoming traffic

If you don't know the area well, you should go out and do some reconnoitring first. Do this by bicycle or by car - it's allowed. Unless you are planning on an A to B run plan on a large square or circle around 6 Km long.

Some people prefer to first set a short course and then go back and set loops for the long course, others the other way round.

Try to make the source interesting by avoiding long, straight runs, do make good use of terrain (up-down hills) aim for water/mud. It is not unknown for hashes to go through public buildings, although quite what reaction one could expect from the Hilton security staff at someone laying flour through their lobby is anyone's guess.

Positioning your checkpoints is important, as this will ensure the pack stays together and makes things interesting. Aim to provide a checkpoint every half to one mile or so. Make sure the checkpoints are situated at the junctions of three or more ways with all leading on from the path leading to the checkpoint. Be sure to mark all the false trails but don't be too eager to lay the first mark - allow a good 50 - 80 yards interval between marks. This is the most time-consuming part of the whole exercise so it is a good idea to set the course with a friend and have one person laying the course whilst the other marks out the "falsies" and then catches up etc. etc.

Other hashes relish setting quite elaborate false trails (checkbacks) during the course of the run. Restraint is advisable in the case of Nicosia unless you particularly enjoy downers "on your back".

Although generally frowned upon, Nicosia hares have been known to lay trails on the back of bicycles, motorbikes and even cars so take your pick. [On second thoughts, perhaps we'd better re-phrase - there again perhaps not].

Après Hash

The Hare(s) is responsible for arranging the food after the Hash. An important point here is to try and keep within budget, currently set at 9 EUR per person including some beer (Half a bottle perhaps).

If the hare is planning to have the food ordered, only give rough numbers for the order (30-40 in the winter, 20-30 in the summer) making sure that the actual number will be given at about 19:30 when the Hash Ca$H will know. Obviously, latecomers will have to take their chances.

If catering at home, things are a little trickier as it is not always so easy to gauge this. However, it is always possible to cheaply augment the food with a take-away chicken or two.

Make sure the vegetarians are catered for and keep the carnivores away from the veggie food until they've had theirs.

If appropriate, make sure to remind Hash Hooch that you will also need beers for the afters as well as the Down-Downs.

A word to the wise

Please do be aware of local sensitivities and fears, particularly if setting a run anywhere near to the "border". Strange men putting down marks in the street are frequently viewed with suspicion. Another factor is that people who put down poison for animals do so mixed in flour. Therefore do not be surprised if you are asked by a concerned local inhabitant "what are you doing?". Be courteous and polite - make sure to invite them to the next run and you'll find there will be smiling comprehension and wise shaking of the head at the lunacy of foreigners. DO NOT GET INTO ARGUMENTS OR LOSE YOUR TEMPER!

Nicosia Horrible Hash House Harriers was founded in April 1989 by Duncan (Dingbat Chubby) Kirby - ex Baghdad H3 (subsequently Beirut and Athens and now, would you believe back to NH4. And we thought we'd got rid of him for good), Margo Beytah - ex Kuwait H3, and Sue Taylor - ex Oman H3.

Originally known as the 'Omonia Hash', a reference to a local football team: the term has fallen into disuse, partly because local football teams have political affiliations and the Hash is apolitical, but perhaps more significantly one of the leading (and loud) ex-members of the Hash Mismanagement (Verbal Gerbil - now back in the UK) is a fanatical (not to say frenzied) supporter of Birmingham City; (hence the "Shit on the Villa hymn") it made life a lot easier not to mention Soccer if the downers were ever to finish.

As an alternative story for the naming of the NH4, try this. Omonia in Greek means peace. Omonia sounds like Ammonia. The chemical way of expressing Ammonia is NH3, however the founders of the NH4 did not know so much chemistry and thought that Ammonia was NH4 and so created the Nicosia Horrible Hash House Harriers (NH4) . (pedantic note by one of the NH4 graybeards)

NH4 meets every Tuesday evening at 19:00 (7.00pm). We have never missed a week so far. Venues are organised by that week's hares and are usually within the Nicosia town area.

Runs are typically 8 - 10km, with a short run of 4 - 5km for the elderly, infirm, wimps and walkers.

Food is provided after the run and downers, again organised by that week's hare. (See Hare's instructions)

NH4 has a core membership of 95 (5 runs and over, and recent attendance), evenly divided between Cypriots and expatriates. The average weekly pack is 20-30.

Run Fees: run only €3, food only €9 for a total of €12 for the run and food

[From The Grand Malaysian HHH Pre-Ramble to Interhash 92]

THE HASH HOUSE

The ‘Hash House’ was the mildly derogative nickname given (for its unimaginative, monotonous food) to the Selangor Club Chambers, by the British Civil Servants and businessman who lived and dined there. Originally, the ground floor housed the main Selangor Club dining room, and between the two World Wars it became a social centre of the times, used regularly for lunchtime meals by the members who worked in the immediate vicinity.

Situated close to and behind the present Selangor Club, it’s function changed after independence and it became a key office for the local Water Board, as it was the place where all K.L. residents came to pay their water bills. Sadly, it gave way to the relentless march of time around 1964, being bulldozed to the ground under the northbound lane Jalan Kuching. The buildings housing the original stables and servants quarters are still in existence.

THE ANCIENT HARRIERS

The idea of Harriers chasing paper was not new to Malaya in 1938, as there had been such clubs before in Kuala Lumpur and Johore Bahru, and there were clubs in existence in Malacca and Ipoh (the Kinta Harriers) at the time. “Horse” Thomson (one of the KLH3 founding fathers) recalled being invited on a run, shortly after his arrival in Johore Bahru in 1932, which chased a paper trail and followed basic Hash rules every week but was so magically organised that it had no name. The club flourished in the early 1930’s but is believed to have died out around 1935.

The other branch of our ancestry comes from Malacca, where A. S. (‘G’) Gispert was posted in 1937 and joined a club called the Springgit Harriers, who also operated weekly under Hash rules and are believed to have been formed in 1935.  Some months later, ‘Torch’ Bennett visited him and came as a guest on a few runs.

THE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS

By 1938, Thomson, Lee, and Gispert had all moved to K.L. and founded their own club, following the rules they had learnt elsewhere. The principal original members were:

  • A. S. (‘G’) Gispert
  • Cecil Lee
  • ‘Horse’  Thomson
  • ‘Torch’ Bennett
  • Eric Galvin
  • H. M. Doig
  • soon joined by others, including:
  • Frank Woodward
  • Philip Wickens
  • Lew Davidson
  • John Wyatt-Smith
  • M. C. Hay

It is not clear that the club actually had a name at the very beginning, but Gispert is credited with proposing the ‘Hash House Harriers’ when the Registrar of Societies required the gathering to be legally registered.

‘Torch’ Bennett technically missed being a founder member, because he was then on leave, but on his return he introduced the first necessary organisation - a bank account, a balance sheet and some system. More importantly, he seems, with Philip Wickens who joined later in 1939, to have helped to keep things going immediately after the war.

Sadly, Gispert had only a short time with his extraordinary creation, being killed in the fighting on Singapore Island on February 11th, 1942, whilst serving with the Argylls.

But with the exception of Philip Wickens who died in 1981, and Lew Davidson who died very recently, the rest of the hardy band of hashers hare still with us and the KL hash House Harriers keeps in touch with them all. [EDITOR’S NOTE: TORCH DIED SOON AFTER THIS WAS PREPARED IN 1992]

The founding members were all British, although Gispert was actually Spanish in origin, his parents having migrated to London some time before he was born.  Extraordinarily both he and Bennett were accountants, as were Paul Barnard and Jack Bridewell who made a significant contribution to our activities of later years. Some Hash psychiatrist should investigate where the work leads to extreme forms of escapism.

The HHH duly celebrated it 100th run on 15 August 1941, but only 17 runs later was forced into temporary hibernation by the arrival of the Japanese.

THE RE-BIRTH OF THE POSTWAR HHH

Post World War II, it was nearly 12 months before the survivors reassembled.  ‘Torch’ Bennett put in a claim for the lost hash mugs, a tin bath and two old bags, on the fund set up with the proceeds from confiscated Japanese property and run No. 1 was a trot around the race-course in August, 1946. Subsequent to the 1000th post war run the celebrations surround it were considered to be such a success that the 117 official pre-war runs were added to the total as we could celebrate the 2000th run as soon as possible.

With the advent of the Emergency in 1948, the Hash was automatically in bad official odour, as their activities were generally illegal in terms of the curfew imposed on most of the areas surround Kuala Lumpur and in the years 1948/51, they maintained a precarious existence at best. The turn round came with the famous bandit incident at Cheras.

This has been widely misreported, but what actually happened was that below where the Lady Templer Hospital is now, in an area that was then rubber and belukar, the Hares on a darkening and rainy evening came across some men wrapped in ground sheets sleeping on the ground. The following pack found the bandits on their feet but in the general confusion nobody got hurt. One member ran to Cheras Police Station and raided the alarm; the army laid ambushes on tracks leading out of the area and first thing the following morning bagged three bandits trying to break out. One of them was found to have a substantial price on his head and the bounty was shared among the non-government employees on the run (government servants were not allowed to participate in such rewards).

Other colourful incident related by Cecil Lee, include how ‘Torch’ Bennett once nearly drowned in quicksand, and how on one memorable occasion the erstwhile unathletic ‘G’ was actually leading the pack: sadly his moment of glory was short lived as the paper trail turned to be false. Swimming would seem to be an unofficial prerequisite to all Hashmen too, for Cecil remembers having had to swim across a mining pool in order to get home after being lost on one occasion, and on another it is reported that several Hashmen ran in to a stream where bathed some unsuspecting Malay maidens. The girls screamed; their menfolk came hurtling to the rescue with the unsheathed parangs flashing, and the errant Hashmen broke land speed records in the eagerness to clear the scene.

THE HASH SPREADS OUT

The second Hash Chapter was founded in Singapore in 1962, followed by Kuching in 1963, Brunei, Kota Kinabalu and Ipoh in 1964, Penang in 1965, and Perth was the first outside Malaysia and Singapore in 1967. Even by the time of K.L. 1500th run in 1974 the total was only 35, so the subsequent explosion has been spectacular indeed. The 1992 international list will total around 1,100 clubs in over 135 countries and all continents (including Antarctica) where the hash format is often adapted to environments very different from the near rows of Malaysian rubber trees amongst which it was conceived. Kabul HHH understandably foundered, but what can it be like to hash in Sinai, Peking, Addis Ababa or the Falkland Islands?

INTERHASH

The first attempt at an Interhash get-together was the K.L. 1000th post-war run in 1966, and the spectacular 1500th run in 1973 when attendance was something over 300. Interhash 1978 in Hong Kong broke new ground with an attendance around 800; Interhashes 1980 and 1982 were credited with 1200/1300; Interhash 1984 with rather more Interhash 1986 broke the 2000 barrier with 2143.

Attendance at Bali for Interhash 1988 was reported to bet between 2600 and 2700.  Interhash 1990 in Manila was affected by the then current state of emergency in the country, but nevertheless some 1,600 intrepid Hashers were let loose in Manila and survived to tell the tale.

Interhash 1992 in Phuket, Thailand does not seem to be affected by the recent unhappy turmoil in Bangkok and, judging by reported registrations the numbers are set to pass 3,000.

RESURRECTION OF THE ‘HASH HOUSE’

At the rate the HHH is growing, our millionth member should only be 5 or 10 years down the road!

The HHH is unique, ‘green’, happy and enjoyable phenomenon and all hashers world-wide are heir to this heritage.

It was therefore been proposed that we resurrect the ‘Hash House’ in K.L., so that all HHH inheritors, from any continent, may have a place of their own to meet, eat, drink, stay and generally relax.

It would be the Home of the Hash, and all hashers would be eligible for membership and all Hash Chapters could its facilities.

A group of volunteer hashers from Chapters in K.L. and immediate vicinity have formed to a committee to try to turn this idea into a reality. Their work includes:

  • fund raising
  • land acquisition
  • club formation
  • membership drive
  • etc., etc.
  • The focus of the initial work has been on land acquisition and, though the original site is now under Jalan Kuching, an alternative site, very close to the original, in beautiful surroundings, is currently under discussion with the K.L.  Municipal authorities.

    Written by Mike Lyons from the copious research material prepared by John Duncan.

Basically hashing is a form of non-competitive cross-country running with the main objective of working up a decent thirst. Great emphasis is placed on the social aspects - particularly the communal boozing session at the aprés-hash. If you have half a mind to join the Hash, that's all it takes

The HOUNDS (that's you and the rest of the loonies) set off along a clearly defined trail (blobs of flour – usually to your right) with the front runners calling "ON - ON" for the benefit of the slower runners and latecomers catching up.

Every 1000 metres or so the trail will end signified by a circle with a cross in it. This is known as a CHECK and the frontrunners on reaching the check start searching for the new trail. This can start up to 50 metres from the check in any direction. The time taken by the frontrunners to find the new trail allows the runners at the back (the "social or chat-pack") to catch up thus increasing the chances of everyone reaching the end at roughly the same time.

The frontrunners will usually find that the cunning hares have laid some FALSE TRAILs in addition to the real trail - these falsies usually consist of up to 2 blobs followed by an “T”. This ensures that the really fit types, known as FRBs (Front Running Bastards) will become exhausted more quickly and be forced to join the social pack. Another device used by Hares to achieve the same objective is the LOOP whereby the trail might go round 3 sides of a field allowing the back markers to run across the fourth. Hash runs are usually 5 - 8 Km long and are designed to last 1 hour.

The Aprés Hash event is known as the CIRCLE which is presided over by theRELIGIOUS ADVISOR (R.A.). This is mainly a good excuse to haul out selected individuals and punish or reward them for things they may or may not have done on the trail. This takes the form of a DOWNER but we wouldn't want to spoil the surprise so we'll draw a veil over the proceedings at this stage. Apart from this, everyone has a jolly nice sing-song and drinks loads of beer.

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